Adventures in BabyLand
by Elphie Bubble
Summary: Elphaba as a very difficult baby, only in oneshot form! Yippee! Oneshot, bookverse.


Just a little oneshot about Elphaba as a baby because never has a baby had such character as Elphaba.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Elphaba, Melena, Frex, Lurline...basically, I don't own very much at all.

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"Hush, Elphaba! Hush, little Lizard Girl!" Melena cried from the other side of the herb garden. She loathed getting any nearer to try to quiet her baby. She couldn't help but feel that the girl's distinct emerald skin was a punishment for her repeated infidelity; the child was a curse on her. So she treated her like a leper, like the green could be contagious.

"You've probably only messed yourself again," Melena continued the monologue directed at her screaming infant. "Wailing won't make the shit go away, you know."

Elphaba stopped her crying long enough to fix her incompetent mother with the kind of look that most people couldn't perfect until they were old, crotchety, and had found a child's toy in their yard. When she felt her mother had squirmed long enough, she banged her highchair with the wooden spoon Melena had given her for company and shrieked all the louder.

"Shut up, will you?" Melena ordered, "You'll never end up in a man's bed if you can't be obedient when the time comes."

Elphaba seemed to consider this, appeared to decide on a life of celibacy, and continued with her racket.

"Do you want your father to hear you? He can be very ornery when he's disturbed from his rantings," Melena said, almost wishing that Frex would show his sorry face. He seemed to get on better with the Lizard Girl than she herself did.

At the mention of her father, Elphaba seemed to calm down a little, and her volume lessened until she was merely whimpering. Of course, this bothered Melena even more because the little demon could sound completely pitiful when she wanted to, and Melena didn't like feeling like a bad parent.

Elphaba stared at her mother with the pleading eyes of a hungry coyote, and she raised her arms in the universal sign language of "Hold me."

Melena, still timid, couldn't resist this almost-human gesture and cautiously made her way over to her discolored daughter.

Elphaba gurgled happily now and as Melena reached to grasp her, she gleefully bit her wooden spoon in half.

Melena quickly retreated, marveling again at her daughter's sharp little teeth.

"You really are a little demon, aren't you?" Melena asked her, "By Lurline, I birthed a demon."

Elphaba seemed to take pleasure in this announcement in her own perverted sort of way and she giggled and slobbered on her now two halves of spoon.

"Good, you're happy. Now just stay that way," Melena said.

Elphaba vomited massively. Now very soggy, Elphaba sniffed herself derisively and began to shriek.

"Shut up!" Melena yelled, her patience nearly gone.

Frex chose this moment to pause in his morning devotion to come and see his little girl.

"Melena can you please stop her from screami--" Frex half-asked as he came out the back door, but he stopped when he caught sight of his baby girl covered in goop only slightly less green than herself and his wife yelling at her, "What are you doing, Melena?" he asked, deceptively calmly.

"She, she, she," Melena spluttered, "She was mocking me!"

"She's a baby, Melena," Frex said wearily, "A baby who is covered in vomit and from the smell of things, wearing a very full diaper." He reached for his daughter and wiped her down. As soon as he touched her, she quieted and Melena could swear that the little brat smirked at her. Frex changed her diaper and kissed her forehead (albeit reluctantly), "Only love can dispel the green demon, my dear," he reminded his wife.

Elphaba smiled up at him and blew a bubble.

"See, she isn't so bad. You just have to show her some care," Frex walked back inside to work on next Sunday's lesson some more, adding under his breath as he walked, "Maybe then she'll be quiet and let a man concentrate on the scriptures..."

"Are you determined to spite me in every way possible, you little bitch?!" howled Melena as soon as he was out of earshot.

Elphaba grinned and threw half of her spoon at her mother.


End file.
